For those who know me, this might be a real departure. I hope that I don't shock and disillusion anyone too badly as I pen a few lines about what, for me, has become a serious issue.
Now. Having said that, don't get all alarmed and concerned that the founder of the largest Apologetics organization in the LDS Church is "going rogue." Or "apostate." I've always been a bit "rogue," as every Gospel Doctrine class I've ever taught can readily attest. But I'm not going anywhere... especially ApostateLand... I promise. :)
Guys, it's the Churchies. My teenage daughter calls them "The Plastics." Churchies have always been an extreme irritant to me. When I say "Churchie," I'm referring to the culture of Mormonism... to those who believe that the Church is the Gospel, and that green jello with carrot shavings is Celestial Food. I'm referring to those who behave as if talking with the "Primary Voice" makes one more pure and sanctified. Churchies are those who have deeply converted... not to the gospel, per se... but to the culture of Mormonism. And as much as our dear General Authorities recoil in righteous indignation at the suggestion that the culture of Mormonism is different between the "Intermountain Best" and everywhere else (and sometimes desperately seek to outright deny it), we all know that Churchies are very real.
Churchies are more or less ambivalent, at best, about the Gospel.. if not downright apathetic about it. It's always there, like the proverbial elephant in the foyer, and they are quite eager to affirm how "true" it is... but heaven help them if someone actually asks what "The Gospel" really consists of. Churchies don't give The Gospel much thought outside of Church. Or during Church, for that matter... other than mustering the same, tired, requisite canned-answer-to-standard-Mormon-questions during 2nd and 3rd block. Don't believe me? Ask a Churchie to explain The Gospel in 10 words or less.
Churchies plod dutifully through the Sunday block, attend their leadership meetings, and do the bare minimum required to fulfill their callings. They look down disapprovingly on the non-Churchies in the ward who are obviously not nearly as righteous as they are, or who have the rather embarrassing bad form of having personal issues, which have been dutifully made very public by the Ward Gossips. Churchies are very... dutiful. Churchies can often be identified by the old, beat up Spinnett piano in the living room, the required cheesy home decor from Deseret Book on their walls, and Family Home Evening/Family Job Charts hanging in the kitchen, along with dusty "pass-along cards" clinging to the refrigerator with the help of "CTR" magnets.
Churchies sit respectfully during classes in Sunday School and Old Women and Old Men (Relief Society and Priesthood Meeting), pretending to pay attention to the lessons, and dutifully reading the canned reading assignments off of little slips of paper that the Churchie instructor has dutifully prepared 45 minutes before Church, when they skimmed over the lesson for the first time all week.
Some Churchies are often the ones who might as well have their names engraved on brass nameplates over the comfy chairs outside the Bishop's Office, as they begin their weekly wait yet again for a "cleansing confession" for their chronic, uncontrolled pornography/spousal abuse/gambling-drug-alcohol addiction,adultery/fornication/secretive homosexuality that they're hoping no one else in the ward knows about.. forgetting that the Ward Gossip Infernal News Network is alive and well.
Churchies generally obey the Word of Wisdom. Some better than others. Those that have no real interest in adhering to it strictly are said to "struggle" with it. Not much struggle for most. They simply enjoy their occasional coffee, or glass of wine... or beer... or cigarette... they just make sure they keep it well hidden, so that they can maintain appearances. Indulging in such would be a serious social no-no to other Churchies.
Churchie wives and mothers are shiny clean and smiling while they coo lovingly at their toddlers and enthusiastically share the latest faith-promoting rumor or Gospel Gossip tidbit in the hall under hushed tones during and/or after Sacrament Meeting.
On the inside, however, many of the Churchie wives are haggard, chronically depressed, bitter and exhausted. The self-esteem of many of them has been desperately and sometimes irreparably damaged by the constant nagging feeling that they will never measure up, or be "enough." They're weary of the constant burden of maintaining appearances and pretending that they're not... human.
Churchies get up dutifully in Fast & Testimony Meeting, and bear their Feelimony. They weep pitifully, as if on cue,, then urge all 23 of their "under 8 year old" brood to "bear their testimonies" in turn, even though the Church has repeatedly asked that they not do that. Then they all return to their pew, where their hyper-active "missionaries-in-training" suck down Cheerios and race up and down the row... loudly... as the parents strain to hear the next speaker over the din.
Churchies believe that the fact that they smilingly plod dutifully through their long-ingrained routine every week will assure them a seat at the Celestial Table... even though they couldn't tell you anything more about the atonement than that it somehow involved Jesus and the Garden... somehow.
I actually asked a Bishop (several wards ago) why we don't actually teach The Gospel in Gospel Doctrine... why we didn't dig deeper than the 2 inches mandated by the manual. I asked why the Church insists on teaching to the lowest common denominator, when most members have been there their whole lives... his answer floored me. "Oh, well, if THAT'S what you want (as if I had asked for a illustrated tutorial on how to make a porno), you'll have to do THAT on your own, in your PERSONAL study." I remember my jaw almost hitting his desktop. The Bishop is invariably the Mayor of ChurchieTown.
Churchies apparently believe that "too much" information leads one to apostasy as certainly as watching an "R"-rated movie leads one to become an adulterous serial killer with a serious Dr. Pepper addiction.
For example, learning Koine Greek to understand the NT better is not "righteous," but is "looking beyond the mark." It's not in the Church Curriculum, so therefore, it's "Not Approved," and therefore it's "Evil" and "Unrighteous."
Studying Christian History, hermeneutics, textual criticism, etc. is "a waste of time, since there's been a Restoration." Gospel study that goes beyond the approved manual is viewed with the same contempt and disdain that one would exhibit gazing at a Hefty Cinch-Sack full of rotten meat.
I'm really not making this stuff up. Churchies are allergic to intelligence, they honestly believe that additional "light and knowledge" will surely land you promptly in Colorado City with 5 truly hideously ugly wives and 36 children.
Callings are everything to Churchies. If you haven't been called into the Bishopric (preferably as the Bishop) by the time you're 40, you're obviously a loser, and are immediately delegated to 2nd or 3rd Class Citizens in the Kingdom of God on Earth. You obvious have a "problem." And all the other Churchies in the ward know it. Callings are directly proportional to one's worthiness and righteousness to a Churchie... therefore, if one is called to be the ward magazine rep, or on the activities committee, it is the same thing as coming down with terminal spiritual leprosy, and/or is on the verge of inactivity or apostasy, which to a Churchie are one and the same thing.
Churchies seem to be heavily concentrated in Utah, Arizona, and Idaho, The Intermountain Best, much to the chagrin and annoyance to the heathen populations of those states, as well as all the other non-Churchie members of the Church. Fortunately, the condition seems to be limited to those geographical areas, as the influence of the Churchies rapidly dissipates the farther you get from any of those locales.
Churchies love good theater. They are unbearably friendly and cheerful to newcomers and investigators, until after the hapless new members or investigators either move in or get baptized. After that, things go back to normal, and the newbies basically become invisible except to accept a calling as the ward magazine rep or member of the activities committee. All of the leadership positions are already occupied by Churchies, and are rotated only among the Core Clique.
I have a confession to make.
I hate Churchies. There. I said it. I can't stand them. I loathe them. They make my flesh crawl. I want to run screaming from the room whenever I'm around them. Seriously, if the Celestial Kingdom is composed of Churchies, I'm going to take a harder look at the Great and Spacious Building.
Don't get me wrong. I love the gospel. I love the Savior. I have a deep, abiding testimony of the Restoration, of the Book of Mormon, and of the redeeming sacrifice of the Only Begotten Son of Almighty God. I have experienced bona fide miracles in my life, and have had many profound spiritual experiences too sacred to relate. And I hate Churchies.
This is becoming a problem for me. It's gotten so bad that I can't stand the thought anymore of even going to Church. It has nothing whatsoever to do with not wanting to obey the commandments, not wanting to partake of the sacrament, or not wanting to worship my Heavenly Father. It has everything to do with feeling tangibly uncomfortable while at church.
It's because I want to stand up in the middle of Sacrament Meeting from sitting in our usual spot in the 3rd row, and turning around and screaming "SERIOUSLY?" at the semi-dozing parents of over 125 primary children who are SO loud that I can't even remotely hear the speaker.
It's because I can't stand the thought of yet one more poorly prepared, poorly presented lesson on the same passages of scripture using the same "faith-promoting" stories.
It's because the active member of my High Priest's group that regularly slaps me jovially on the back is the same guy who rips people off with unscrupulous business practices during the rest of the week.
It's because the guy sitting next to the dishonest businessman regularly beats his wife, and then intones about how much of a "heaven on earth" his home is.
It's because no one really gives a crap about the Gospel if it doesn't involve refreshments.
It's because everyone looks forward to conference weekend... because they can sleep all weekend and "read the talks when they come out in the Ensign," which they never do.
It's because the Stake President has to bribe Priesthood Holders to come to General Priesthood Meeting with BBQ and ice cream socials beforehand.
It's because the Churchies have forced the Church to water down the curriculum so badly that all it winds being is mindless pablum.
It's because the Churchies actually refer to anyone who has more than a shallow acquaintance with the scriptures, or who still remembers some of their Scripture Mastery passages as a "scriptorian." Churchies refer (in hushed, reverent tones) to anyone who has actually read the lesson materials as an "intellectual."
Many Sundays, I have a nagging feeling of emptiness, restlessness and unsettledness that lingers after church, and agonize over how to deal with the spiritual hunger that seems to trudge on from week to week chronically unsatisfied. I'm not being spiritually fed at Church. I don't feel uplifted. By the time it's time to go home, I'm exhausted and angry. I feel the chilling breath of bitterness creeping down the back of my neck.
Oh, wait, that was just the Relief Society President. Nevermind.
It feels like there is no "fellowship" in the Church anymore. There is no sense of "family." There is no closeness... no camaradery. No espirit-de-corps. As a ward family, we seem to put the "fun" in "dysfunctional." And this pains my soul.
Oh, I know... I can strike up a conversation... a shallow conversation... with various people at church who will try to respond politely, but none of us (other than the Core Clique) associate with each other outside of church. My sweet wife and I are desperately lonely, and don't know what to do about it. We don't feel wanted, included, or valued. We feel perpetually like outcasts and like we're constantly being assigned to sit at "Table 9," if you ever watched The Wedding Singer.
When we arrived in the Tragic Valley after living in Virginia, we were eager to get involved, to immerse ourselves in our new home ward, and to get acquainted with our new Ward Family. That eagerness and excitement was very short-lived. My first call to our new Bishop, upon signing the lease on our new home, began with "How'd you get this number?!" And it went downhill from there. Four months passed after moving in, and neither one of us had a calling. Other families moved in, and were immediately called to positions in Young Mens, or Young Womens, or Relief Society... some wound up with multiple callings. After 4 months, I was finally called to teach High Priest's group on the 2nd Sunday of the month. My wife was called to be the Visiting Teaching coordinator for Relief Society. Not really believing that this would be my "real" calling, I asked our Bishop when I would receive a calling, he acted incredulous... for a moment I felt a close kinship with Oliver Twist asking for more gruel... "Well, weren't you called as the instructor for the High Priest's Group on the 2nd Sunday?" He was clearly appalled that I actually wanted to do MORE. There is nothing more deflating and disheartening than to be rebuffed and rejected by a volunteer leader at a volunteer organization for being a volunteer who wants to volunteer MORE.
Like I said earlier, don't get me wrong. I love the gospel, and I love the idea of Church. And yes, I know... we all get out of Sacrament Meeting what we bring into it... I've heard all the trite phrases and scoldings... none of which impresses me much. Sometimes there really is a problem.
At the end of a trying week, I want to come and worship my Heavenly Father in humility, take the Sacrament and renew my covenants, and be spiritually fed... and fellowship with my brothers and sisters. After all, isn't that the purpose of it all? Yet week after week, I find myself making excuses to flee after the closing prayer in Sacrament Meeting. The Core Clique refuses to acknowledge that there's even a problem... and clearly wishes that non-Churchies would quiety move out or go discover Scientology. Meanwhile, the number of socially isolated, discouraged, frustrated non-Churchies grows to epidemic proportions.
And now the disappointing part. I'm not writing this to reveal any great revelations or "inspirational lessons" that I've learned through this painful process... I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with how I feel, to be perfectly honest.
I confided these feelings to a good friend recently... a former Bishop... who was surprisingly candid. When I told him that my current Bishop, upon reading this blog, would almost certainly haul my sorry butt into his office for a strong "Come-To-Jesus" about not being an "ark-steadier," he asked me a thought-provoking question... "What would you LIKE your Bishop to say to you?" I had to munge on that for a bit. He then added on another one. "What would make a difference to you?"
I'm still munging.
Life is sadistically hard sometimes. For some, most of the time. There are so many stresses, tragedies, and challenges during the week. Life happens, and sometimes it's just damned ugly. Many of us are in pain... either physically, spiritually, or emotionally... or all three at once. We approach church each week with a quiet desperation... a deeply passionate hope for solace... yearning for our bucket to be filled... for there to be someone else who we can talk to and just... vent. A true Brother or Sister In The Gospel is not just a generic title for someone who occupies the same general space once a week. It should be someone who understands us, who shares our paradigm and values, and who either hurts, too, or has been there and done that. Someone who is aching for precisely the same thing.
Too many in the Lord's Kingdom on Earth are yearning for true fellowship. I'm certainly not finding any. I'm finding smiling, plastic Churchies instead, to whom I will never "measure up." And it's getting old.
Maybe we should lower our pride level a bit and take some tips from some of the other churches in our neighborhoods... who seem to have discovered this issue early on, and attempted to address it by instituting weekly get-togethers after their regular church meetings... strictly for fellowship... giving Church members the ability to relax a bit, talk to each other, and form friendships. You have to admit it is an awfully appealing idea. I'd even whip up on of my famous pot-roasts for a Sunday post-block pot luck if asked.
Or maybe it's just time for another "Mental Health Sunday." Or two.